Everyone has physical health and mental health. Almost everyone cares about their physical health but not their mental health. Sometimes, people do not realize that they have a mental problem until they talk to an expert (a psychiatrist). But, believe me, in a developing country like Indonesia, meeting a psychiatrist is an embarrassment. People will judge you that you are lunatic or crazy. People prefer to hide their problems even though sometimes they have a feeling that they are not (mentally) healthy. This stigma is still a huge problem in a country like Indonesia.
I am writing this, not because I am healthy. I have been diagnosed with two mental illnesses. My parents asked me to keep this private information only to me and my closest circle, but, I decided to write this in a blog post so people will aware of their mental health as good as their physical health. Well, I also encourage them who feel mentally unhealthy to look for help from a psychiatrist.
What if my students read this post? Will they lack trust in me and think that I am crazy and not capable to teach them? It is my risk.
What if my employer and my colleagues read this post? They already know, and I told my circle. Again, it is their choice to have me as their friend or not, after knowing this.
What if my family read this post? Well, some of them already know. One of two mental illnesses is inherited from my grandmother, so, it is in my gene.
When is the first time I realize that I am not okay? Since I was a kid, third-grade. But it is disappeared through time, my parents ignored it, and it came again last year.
What are my symptoms?
– I am overthinking
– I am too self-centered
– I am over-sensitive, my feeling is easily get hurt by a simple ambiguous sentence
– My sleeping pattern is changed, I constantly wake up in the middle of the night without any specific purpose
– I am restlessness
– I continuously hear people conversation even though I am totally alone
– I have uncontrolled imagination
– I stare to unseen objects
– I lack confidence
– I can’t cry or other emotional expressions (e.g. laugh)
– I am anxious
After consulting with two experts, they gave me pills. I consumed them for 3-4 months and get better. Now, I am so relaxed and enjoy my daily activities. I control my thinking and feeling. My confidence gets better and I find myself again. Those scary moments have passed and I am grateful that I am surrounded by supportive and positive-thinking people.
What are my triggers?
– Long-term sadness, I still remember how sad I was when I got separated from Rania. I can’t walk properly but I must write and finish my dissertation.
– I have no friends to talk to, but I glad that I found a musical instrument that helps me through my hardest days.
People only see me from my achievements, my posts, my articles but only a few who see me as a fragile person. I can maintain my life goals, my physical health, my finance, but not my mental health (at that time). I am so glad that my husband is very supportive and still trusts me as Rania’s mother. Educating and playing with Rania makes me feel that I am wanted and needed; I have to live and cure my mental problems.
If you have or feel that you are not mentally healthy, please visit an expert. Your life is precious and you are not alone.
If you know somebody has a mental problem, please be a supportive person. The least you can do is being a non-toxic and less-judging person. Everyone has their own problem, and your cynical comments won’t help any of those, only making it worse.
At the end of the day, problems passed and I got some learning. I should be more grateful for what God gave to me and to my family. Not all people have this kind of journey, sometimes people can’t appreciate what they have until they lost it. I have lost my mental health in a way that I can’t anticipate. I am so grateful that God gave it back to me. I am so grateful that no one in my circle left me on that day. They support me as a friend, as a family, as a colleague.
Thanks for being there for listening to me; you are like stars, not always seen but always there.